Non Canon One Piece RolePlay

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Sire Puffer

Pirate
Pirate

avatar
Gran Voyage Type: Story
Gran Voyage Name: Ordeals In The Underground World Market
Gran Voyage Location:(Which Island(s) Alabasta
Level: 2
Gran Voyage Description: Sire Puffer from the help from Dr Crooks, gained associates in order to come up with a scheme or project in order to make himself tons of money. Now Sire Puffer will have to come up with a deal to actually joining the business and maybe some trouble may come his way....  
NPCing: N/A
Enemies: Ten
Goal:

+Official joining the Underground Broker Market

+Making a name for himself.

http://strawhats.forumotion.com/t2559-ordeals-in-the-underground-world-market-phase-02-done



Last edited by Sire Puffer on Sat Aug 25, 2018 6:41 pm; edited 2 times in total

Lady Sofia

Vagabond
Vagabond

avatar

Amelia Velts

Vagabond
Vagabond

avatar
You need a link for me to go to in order to be graded

Sire Puffer

Pirate
Pirate

avatar
Bumped fixed it

Amelia Velts

Vagabond
Vagabond

avatar
Hey, I'll be your grader. So the story of and in itself was well written and the different perspectives it took was interesting to see. However, what made it good was also what kinda of made it not as good as it could be, the outlook of too many people despite your sections of who view you were telling the story from eventually got old and took away from how the story affected you.

Furthermore when it came down to the combat scene's pretty much all of them was way too poorly written including yours, I get that you have some decent stats and the others were meant too just enrich the story but it was way to easy all around and it wasted the potential each fight could have had for the story. Overall, despite your hard effort, I'm afraid I can't say this is a level 2 gran voyage that more like a long regular voyage or a level one at best.

For your next topic focus on a little bit less perspective's and chatting and focus more on the narrative of the story overall, and for the fights just make them more...difficult including for yourself. I would also check for grammar errors as they were quite a few.


27,000,000M Beli

+1 Prestige (Your debut into the underground black market will be remembered)

0 Doriki (Fights were a lack for luster)

8,000,000M Bounty

2/2 needed @Kaito, @Melly, @Lady Sofia

Sire Puffer

Pirate
Pirate

avatar
Bumped, need another approval so I can get my bounty and money.

Melly

Shichibukai
Shichibukai

avatar
Nicely done.

I agree with Grace, in your fight scenes be more descriptive, give us just a bit more.

2/2

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